Dear Diary Day 7

I have found my brain has hidden away many traumatic memories for me in my life. I know now it is because of my childhood upbringing. I never had that connection with anyone where I was comfortable enough to talk to my parents about anything serious.

I was sexually assaulted when I was a teenager on multiple occasions by a close family member. I'm sure there are many times but I can only remember two vividly which really scared me. However, I had a yahoo answers account from 10 years ago when I was 14 with me posting if someone tries to kiss you and feel you up is that abuse. This man took away my innocence, before this I was trusting of men to an extent and I had a positive outlook on humanity. After however I was left severely traumatised to the point where if a male even touched me it scared me. He used to compliment me and talk about shows with me which I guess made me so trusting of him because I wasn't getting this attention at home at the time. I can't remember ever being called beautiful growing up...

I think this is why I have a fear of men and I'm so distrusting of them. The most vivid memory to me is when he came to my house and nobody was home. He pushed his way in and asked in and asked if anyone was home to which I naively replied no. To which eh then slammed me against the wall and started trying to take my clothes of and kiss me and feel me up. Luckily those people who used to come to take the gas and electricity readings knocked on the door. This seemed to have knocked him out of his perverted behaviour. Furthermore, on my post it says he used to pay me every time as if I was some sort of prostitute so I wouldn't tell anyone. I wish I was strong enough and listened to my friend and reported him. She was the only soul who I had told and that was an accident as well or else no one would've known. I did tell my sister this year during lockdown which felt as if it was a bit of a relief.

I sometimes feel guilty as I think what if he's doing this to someone else or his daughters as he has two. I mean I wouldn't put it past him but then again if I report him everyone would know which I don't know if I could live with.

This isn't the only instance that has made me afraid of men I almost got assaulted on holiday where this taxi driver drove me to a remote location. My cousin who I thought was like a older brother to me confessed he had feelings for me and for a long time apparently which really made me sick to my stomach as he used to take me to school when I was in primary school.

All these experiences have really messed up mentally and I am now at the point where I just feel as if I'm about to burst. Everyone says its my bubbly and welcoming nature that really make these disgusting men think that they can pull one over on me. Why cant men just have some self control and respect women's rights. This really annoys me because I am sick and tired of men just taking what they want and leaving women to pick up the pieces!

It's been like that my whole life, women picking up the pieces supporting men when they are the ones supposed to be their for us and support us or if not that at least a partnership. I mean I don't know if this is due to my narcissistic mother controlling things because she only wants it her way and then complaining she has to do everything hut this is all I've seen my whole life...