Dear Diary Day 6

Lets talk about pressure I have been receiving a lot of pressure recently as to why I decided to quit the course and how I should've just carried on. As well as how I should've discussed this decision with my mother, however nothing is ever discussing with her it is her convincing you to take on her views. So, that is why I knew I'd be alone in making this discussion and there was no reason to bring it up to her. For example many times I had brought it up with her she would make it seem like I'm the problem and that I should be glad I got a place and not ruin my chances by quitting.

However, she just doesn't understand, she never has understood me. With her its always me me me and you better agree with me or else she will talk your ear of till you agree. Education has never been my thing to be honest anyway I only went university because it was expected of me not that I regret going. It's just that I was never able to find what I was passionate about, I guess that requires cultural capital anyway which I never had any of.

What I am going to speak in to existence is that I will be doing ecommerce this year and if I get to the point of making £4,000 plus a month I will not be going back to university consider that chapter of my life put on hold for a while.

What has really been bothering me is my mother using her children as yo yos to act however she wants us to act whenever she feels like it. As if we should accept that and do as she tells us and as if we have no emotions. She now all of a sudden wants us to start speaking to our cousins whom she has never wanted us to speak to just because she's speaking to her siblings now. Which I find manipulative as she is only doing it for the case of looking good in front of others which I completely disagree with. I mean if she was asking me to speak to them because family is important I'd understand that but she has ulterior motives. That is what I don't like. She brought us up to be stone called and that family is nothing except for your parents and that those cousins of ours that she wants us to speak to where not to be trusted and kept us at arms length away because we seem to be naïve and stupid and not be able to hold our own. But now she wants us to change ourselves with the click of a finger after all that trauma she's put us through. And how shaped us to be the anti social person I am today unable to form meaningful relationships with family members and now she wants to shift the blame on us. That is what I don't stand for perhaps if she put more effort in when I was younger and actually introduced us to family members instead of isolating us so she can keep her perfect image of her good children. Them maybe I would actually have some social skills and not have anxiety. I guess from this you can tell I am still angry at her and hold resentment to her for decisions she has made that impact my life today

This is what you call a narcissistic parent someone who doesn't want their children to have brains for themselves and wants to 24/7 keep up appearances in front of other family members. I only woke up from this three years ago which is shocking as my whole life I knew my mother was strict but I didn't know she was manipulative to the point where she didn't like it if I was hanging out with her own younger sister and my cousin. I mean there is way more to the story but that is what shocked me the most. She wanted to be in control and the one holding all the cards. I used to find it weird when we would get relatives from other cities they would never come to my house and my mum would never introduce us. I assumed it was because nobody liked us, I guess this is where my low self-esteem really grew from. However little did I know it was because she wanted to keep up her perfect made up version of us in front of family members.

Sometimes I think my parents just had us so we could be life long slaves for them. I dread to think what she would do if I moved out. I feel as if I can never be honest with my mother I always just reply with what she wants to hear. I face constant ridicule of my choice of clothes, of when I go out. I now understand why I'm more inclined to stay at home and watch Netflix rather then want to go out with friends because its what I've been conditioned to do. It's sad the amount of events I missed growing up because I was always afraid of what my mother would say and that's not healthy.

I want to get rid of the resentment I hold for my mum but I don't know how to. ever since I found out her true colours I don't know how to respect her again and get past it. It's like my whole life was a lie. That's why I'm struggling to find myself and I feel as if I'm having a identity crisis and nothing I so is ever good enough. I've found out that's the effect of having a narcissistic parent

Adult children raised by narcissistic parents receive strong messages that they are valued for what they do, rather than for who they are. They grow up with a "not good enough" message, doubt their own inner voice, and struggle with developing a solid sense of self. These effects have shown up repeatedly in my research related to "engulfing" or "ignoring" narcissistic parenting.

There is just so much pain that hides unspoken and until that is dealt with I don't see how I'll be able to unlock my emotions.

Here's some reading if you want to learn about the narcissistic family tree- https://www.balancepsychologies.com/post/2018/05/14/narcissistic-family-structures#:~:text=The%20narcissistic%20family%20hides%20profound,emotional%20access%20to%20their%20parents.