Dear Diary 10

So what to write I just haven't been feeling myself lately, I'm stuck in a trance I've been looking for jobs not as actively as I should be... Nevertheless I haven't found one yet. So I just haven't really had energy or the will power to do anything yet as I've never been in a place in my life where it's up to me to make something of myself as I've always been in education and that has forced me to get things done. But now I have the freedom to do what want and I had loads of expectations of myself to make something of myself and I think that's what's made me just stuck.

Is it fear of failure?

Is it perfectionism?

What is stopping me now that I have the freedom to do what I want, to make myself successful, to make something of myself.... What is stopping me from going for it?

I guess its always been that feeling of not being good enough that has stopped me from putting my 100% and trying to make something of myself. So I would rather prove people right and not try. There's always been that one memory of me getting an A in one of my exams in secondary school and my whole year group being shocked and not expecting it from me at all. It felt like I was finally being seen and people weren't seeing me as just the dumb loudmouth joker of the class. That I had used as a disguise to not get hurt, I always felt like I was trying to be someone else. To be liked by everyone and never cause drama. I just never fully understood why I was like that till later on in life. I thought it was just cause I was insecure but it stems deeper than that, it was the fact that I was never accepted at home as who I was, my mum was always trying to mould me in to something else and from that I thought I wouldn't be accepted as who I was. Which is why I never showed my true self, I mean it was exhausting trying to be someone else 24/7.

I feel like I have been numb for so long never dealing with my internal issues till now and now I am finally addressing my issues. However, I now need to move past it and get on with my life. I need to not rush life thinking if only I have this I'll be happy I need to enjoy life and love myself and be kind to myself so I don't fall back to my old habits. I need to work through my anxiety and do things out of my comfort zone so I can be the best version of myself.