Dear Diary 2- Wake up call

When you finally figure out that you haven't been living life, but instead you've been having a mental battle within yourself. Scared to let people see the real you in case you're not accepted. The truth is most of my life I've never felt like I fit in anywhere. I have always felt like the odd one out having to be the joker in my secondary school years to get people to like me, instead of being true to myself.

I guess this is what happens when you are brought up to be a reflection of what your parents want and never to step out of line or else... I recently discovered that I've been bought up by a narcissistic parent. I guess I now know why I care so much about what people will think of me and often I'm ashamed to give my opinion or speak my truth in fear of being judged as if that is the worst thing that could happen to me. There have been times in my life were people have insulted me and I've been to scared to speak out and have later regretted those decisions and gone over in my head the million ways I should have dealt with it. Even years later sometimes those thoughts come to me and I know I should be kind to myself and forget those times and learn from those mistakes.

I guess this just shows to the extent of the amount that I care what people think about me and that my opinions aren't valid. I have always had an immense amount of respect for those people that are able to speak their mind and not care what people would think of them. It was obvious by the way that people respected them whereas I was never able to get that respect I felt like I wasn't taken seriously because of who I was. I portrayed myself to be laidback and sort of like a doormat as if I had no feelings because I found it so hard to show my emotions and communicate and as a result I guess people took advantage of that. This all stems from the way that I was brought up things were never discussed everything was brushed under the carpe. I wasn't taught how to show affection or any type of emotions or how to deal with it and move on. This has led to a lot of issues for me growing up I thought if you mad a mistake or fell out with anyone things would never be the same this is why I walked on egg shells around people. When in reality all people do is apologise and learn from their mistakes. That's another thing I find it very hard to apologise to people if I've done something wrong not something small but friendship/ family wise. Because, growing up I saw if someone does something to you that's it cut them off the end... When in reality people come to a understanding and discuss what happened and move on.

This is why I always found it hard to make meaningful relationships with people because I never showed the vulnerable side of me, the real me in a sense. I feel as if I am only starting now to work through my childhood traumas. I have found writing my feelings on this blog is starting to help me work through some of my issues.