Dear Diary Day 9

Lets talk about perfection and this unrealistic social media life that has been created in recent years. I think that has contributed to my fear of failure so not even trying in case I fail but without failure you don't learn and if you don't learn you'll never change.

Social media creates this false portrayal of success that unconsciously goes in to your mind. It makes you think that hard work doesn't play a factor and some just get lucky by finding success right away when in almost all cases that is false. So, it seems I have hit a dead end... Sometimes there's less to lose and pressure when you just do things and then see what happens at the end. At times I wish there was no social media because then I wouldn't have these unrealistic standards to match too!

It's like so many times I have started something but never finished it after, I'm motivated for a few days then fall of the wagon so to speak. I made a mood-board was on track and then gave up. Why can't I have the discipline in my life to see things through. It's like only when I'm forced like in school that I get things done otherwise I'm just a floater. How do I get past this wall... what do I need to do to become more focused. Is it my fear of failure, lack of self belief... What is it that keeps stopping me from doing things that will actually benefit me. Do I believe that I am simply not good enough? Is that why I don't seem to be getting anywhere... If I get to the root problems maybe then I can do something that will benefit me!

I don't know why I have always been like this unable to try due to fear of failure? Maybe its cause I was never told I was good enough or that I had it in me to be clever like everyone else. So I was so ashamed of failing that I never tried so I could blame it on that. When in reality I should've taught myself that mistakes are a part of life its what makes you human you live and you learn. When you try your best then at least you can be fulfilled and happy with the result because then you know you did your best, instead of having regrets.

You know what in the time I took a break I have gone back to unhealthy ways and that's because I think I haven't been journaling on here... Because on here I can talk about my feelings and work through my mess of a brain the way I can't in real life.

I am someone who blames myself for a lot of things in life even things that weren't my fault which leads me to a downward spiral and enough I think its time to stop! I am not my actions. I am not defined by the mistakes I have made in life. I am not to be blamed for mistakes other people in my life have made. I am my own person. Obviously alive and healthy by Allah's will Alhamdullilah. I need to get closer to my religion that's where a lot of my problems are stemming from as well. So the next 6 months I need to focus on my religion, health and self improvement and productivity.